Right? Is this not your first thought when you see a woman walk by with her head in the air talking wide strides with an air of confidence about her? Who does she think she is? She isn't ALL that! She has this flaw or that flaw about her. We have seen it. She is just a bitch. Spoken like a true jealous and insecure person. It's OK, we are ALL jealous and insecure of SOMEONE. I know MANY people who are more beautiful, strong and more intelligent than me, but I try not to let it get me down. It isn't the end of the world, after all. There will ALWAYS be someone more intelligent and beautiful than me. No doubt about it.
So, I am a decent looking, strong willed, outspoken, hold my head high kind of gal. It's funny, I know more people who don't like it than those who do. You can't imagine those who cackle behind my back and those who pretend to like me to my face. Even close friends do it. It is astounding how many people treat you badly if you have the slightest amount of confidence. And yes, passive aggressive jabs count as a form of abuse and jealousy. HELLO?
I have never thought I was THAT great. I was a spoiled brat and much of a bully as a younger girl. As a spoiled brat, I felt entitled to do what I wanted. Not that it's an excuse, but it is what it is. I find it amusing that I have come to say "you know what, I was a bully and I am not proud of it." Yet so many people continually like to tell me how horrible I was. Really, I have fessed up to it. I can't change it, nothing will be different but the present moment and the future. Who is the bully now?
Let me tell you a little bit about what I do know. An older family member of mine that everyone so worships (I can't figure out why, she is mean to everyone), has always hated me. Literally, since birth. When I was a few months old, she even sat on me in my car seat and tried to smother me. Though we all thought it was funny at the time, it was just the beginning of her true hate for me for being born. She couldn't stand the fact that someone else might have to share her limelight. It was almost as if I went upstairs and talked to God and said, "God, please be sure and make her get less attention than me. It would be fabulous to live under her torture for the rest of my life." I am not even sure she realizes she does it to this day, however, it has been damaging. Because of this treatment, I learned a specific technique with people. People see you as more human if they can see your flaws. Because guess what, even the most perfect woman in the world (Kate Middleton) has their flaws. We ALL do. Some are more visible than others. So, this "technique" I use is called "disarming." I go into a situation with people and try to make myself look like an idiot or show my imperfections by disarming people. This is not a difficult task for me. I lay out my cards and show people ME. I have a level of anxiety that is enough to make anyone crazy. Imagine what it does to me! I fear that I won't be accepted (wonder where that comes from?). I have gained a tremendous amount of weight since my car accident, in fact doubled my waist size and I have this in my heart "feeling," people think its crazy, but about 75% of the time it's true, that people REALLY don't like me. I can tell when people are thinking negatively about me. I just can. So, as I sit here with my fake smile, spilling my insecurities to all of you so that you don't think I am "that cocky bitch," I am suffering tremendously inside. It's funny, because no matter what, people still think I am a cocky bitch.
I am sure many of you will sit there rolling your eyes as you read this blog but I have one question to ask you. When you think someone is a cocky bitch or you think something negatively about someone like me specifically, dig deep inside your head and avoid using negative words and ask your self why you really feel that way. Be honest and see what you come up with. Are you feeling threatened by that person? Do they make you uncomfortable because they are more outgoing than you and have more "confidence?" I put that in quotes because none of us have TRUE confidence. I am faking it 90% of the time. There is no real reason for us to actually dislike someone based on their "confident" behavior. If I were a man, people would kiss the ground I walk on.
It's funny because the men who seem to be less threatened by my behavior, are the ones who seem the shyest. I have met some incredibly amazing men because they are not threatened by my "confidence." Then you have other men who pretend to be confident and they want to get as far away from you as possible (my last boss). Why do you think I thrive around nerds? They LOVE a strong woman! Is this a gaming thing, nerds? No offense meant, I love you all!
I don't know, I mean, we all have crap to put up with. We have people who are just crappy, angry, and bad all around us. It's just not fair. It makes us lock ourselves into a cave and never want to come out. But broken hearts are inevitable, people die and relationships end. These are three things I can guarantee. However, treating people with kindness and fairly is critical. Not only do I have to deal with the regular assholes walking on the street, but I have to deal with the ones who can't stand that I might have a few more assets than them? They are FAKE assets, folks. Help me out here! I would rather hand them off so those people would stop targeting me with their jealousy and frustration. I am not trying to sound like a conceited bitch, I swear, but you can't believe the number of people who are ALWAYS trying to take you down. The number is significantly higher than the ones who want to help you up. That is sad.
We all have to survive this world somehow. I have to hold my head up high to be ready for the next person to knock it down and they do, believe me. It's OK though, this isn't about ME. I guess I just want to be treated equally. Some might say you have a better chance and better opportunities. Yes, true. But for every chance and opportunity I get, there are four more people standing there to try and take it back. My last job is the PRIME example of that. What can I say? I guess maybe my biggest strength is that I get back up and never let anything defeat me.
So I leave you with this. I am going to disarm you now. I am a chubby, angry, anxiety and depression filled woman who has an amazing husband. I don't know how he tolerates me, but he does. In addition to that, I am very outspoken and have no problems sharing my emotions and feelings when someone hurts me. Which is often and I get upset because I have higher expectations of people. Apparently I am beautiful, cocky and confident with too much to say. But, I only think that I am all of these things because of the way everyone treats me. Maybe if everyone didn't try so hard to knock me down and let me stand up on my own, I wouldn't feel like I was a rock star! Thank you all, for helping me reach my stardom!
