I often look at people who are able to hold their tongue and stay quiet in admiration. As a person who was never taught that there was a difference between men and women (because there isn't) and that you should speak your mind and you should speak up, I do. It is often my worst and least appealing trait. People often think I come off as cocky, too strong, set in my ways, sometimes confident, powerful, bitchy, the list goes on. Anything negative associated with power and female - that's what you get with me. Believe me, it's not a good thing and is often looked down upon by many men and more women. However, don't think people are afraid to ask for help when they need someone to speak up for them. I am known to defend the battles of others more than I can say.
In any workplace or school place environment, people encourage open communication. In fact, they want it. That is, until they get it. Once you start communicating, people back up and fear that you are actually doing what they ask. You want feedback, you get feedback. However, those shy and quiet folks often are given the benefit of the doubt and seen as the people want to be around the most. Again, I envy them tremendously because I am not like that. In fact, I HATE that I am not like that. But, what these people are actually doing, is directly showing you their feelings. That maybe they don't want to be called on for an answer, or that they are openly afraid to meet new people, that maybe they have been hurt in their past and it's very difficult for them to start over. All of the things we all feel, but may not say out loud. I admire their ability to be open and honest about their feelings so people know outright how they feel and can make a judgment on their character right then and there (because they will, believe me).
Then you have the "me" types. We do speak our minds and ask a lot of questions and walk with our heads held high. Am I wrong, or is this just another facade? It seems so simple to me. In fact, it seems that the people who are acting so confident might in fact be less confident? Now, don't get me wrong, there are a few things I know about myself and I have fully accepted them and am I OK with them. I typically get right back up after having my legs kicked from underneath me. Those of you who know me well, know that this is my strongest trait. But that doesn't mean I am great at everything. In fact, I am just as afraid as everyone else. No one wants to be hurt and exposed. It is truly one of the hardest things in the world.
However, I do believe in leading by example and if I am going to complain about it, I will accept my piece in it. I am cocky because I am scared and have been hurt by the people you should NEVER be hurt by. And not just a little bit, like the WORST kind of hurt. Something psychology, conflict management and resolution and social work combined cant put a solution to. However, I am still going. This is not about being victim, it is about saying hey, here are my flaws, I am going to over come all of this anyway!
So, I will leave this brief blog on this note. Go easy, not everyone is what they appear. We are all here trying to get through this thing together. Some of us just don't show it as well as others.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
Plato
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Change? AGAIN?
Why is it that as humans we are so resistant to change? It's not a specific person or type of person, we are all resistant to some sort of change. I used to think I wasn't so resistant, but wow, as I get older, I really fight it. With some things I am totally open and willing to listen to others opinions on things, whether we agree or not, I am totally willing to change cars to a newer and more comfortable car, I am willing to get a house with more closet space, but why am I so afraid to have left a job that I had my heart so set on for so many years?
So, at this point my boss and I talked and he tried to get me to quit. I couldn't afford to quit, so he said he was going to work on the process of termination. It of course wasn't this smooth, but for confidentiality reasons, I can't speak details of this conversation, but I will say much respect was lost during this time frame. I also talked to HR in this process and neither were much help. HR said he couldn't help. This was prior to my termination. How is that possible? Anyway, they made me wait 1.5 weeks for my termination papers. I came in and worked while waiting. When I got my papers (my boss called in sick that day), they didn't say anything on what the boss and I talked about. HR made up some crazy letter that didn't match. I would recommend no one from that university use HR, they will stab you in the back, FYI. You know who you are. I was so mad after I left, I called the president. He had the vice president call me back. She agreed that my bosses email sounded NOTHING like the letter of termination and was quite confused. I asked her if "when an employee who is a student leaves the university, is this how you treat all of them? Are you concerned about the relationships that remain with those university students afterward?" She agreed it was out of hand and put a note in my file.
As a younger person, my family moved a lot. We lived in almost every neighborhood in the Denver metro area. It sucked because we never actually left Denver, we just went to Littleton, or Arvada, or Aurora. Where's the fun in that if you stay in the same state? Anyway, change was constant growing up. And with an unstable family situation, we never knew what was going to happen, so we were always ready at a moments notice for anything. So, maybe this is part of my resistance to change? It could very well be.
As I have gotten older and of course more wise, without children, I have become extremely protective of other peoples children. Psychologists insert your analysis here. Anyway, I am extremely concerned for everyone's security - especially their kids. I want to be sure that people are safe. This society has turned into a very unsafe place to live. As a kid, we had so much more freedom than the kids do now. I remember a story Chris Rock told in one of his hour long comedies about how kids started off with a nice big back yard to play in and it has slowly started to shrink over the years to the point where they have to hop up and down in one square foot of an area. It's true! We aren't safe. Talk about change and fear!
So, after spending many of my adult years, six to be exact, getting my bachelors degree at my university while working full time, I of course embodied the Jesuit tradition and my university mission - "men and women in service of others." Christianity is of course part of my religious views and all of what I grew up in. I respect the views tremendously and realize many people don't, but since when do I do what everyone else does? Anyhow, I was very moved by my education and started having a strong desire to work there. I tried for years to get into my university applying constantly. I knew I wanted to teach there. I just knew it. I persevered and finally got in.
I got a tech support job which I don't always prefer, but that is the largest part of my experience and what everyone tends to notice on my resume. They were asking for a "true team spirited" person who could support the product. The job description was totally me.
As I started in the first month, it was IDEAL. I loved it. People were nice and helped me. My boss explained things, once, not twice. I asked him to check my work, but he never did. I started to notice this piece of software literally had NO documentation on the product and how to use it. None from the university and none from the company who designed it. Am I the only one who thinks that's weird? Anyway, guess who started writing it? You got it - me.
After a month, the girls started showing their true cattiness and it got really uncomfortable and I was outnumbered. Remember, I come from a male dominated industry, so I was taken off guard. I was VERY uncomfortable and becoming miserable. My boss didn't know what to do because he was a new manager. He seemed to just not want to have any problems. Just want everything to run smoothly. The other people on our team had been doing their jobs for a while before he was their manager and didn't need his assistance. It had nothing to do with what we did, so they never talked to him. Did I mention I took over his old job?
The next thing I know he was targeting me and trying to find flaws in my work. At least it felt like it. I moved my cube to get out of the line of fire of the two girls who made me extremely uncomfortable and honestly, my boss. He didn't want to help, he wanted me to figure things out without his help and without documentation. I don't learn that way and it started to get really bad. I was very discouraged. and beyond that, none of them were involved with the university mission work. I was TOTALLY bummed. What did I walk into?
So, at this point my boss and I talked and he tried to get me to quit. I couldn't afford to quit, so he said he was going to work on the process of termination. It of course wasn't this smooth, but for confidentiality reasons, I can't speak details of this conversation, but I will say much respect was lost during this time frame. I also talked to HR in this process and neither were much help. HR said he couldn't help. This was prior to my termination. How is that possible? Anyway, they made me wait 1.5 weeks for my termination papers. I came in and worked while waiting. When I got my papers (my boss called in sick that day), they didn't say anything on what the boss and I talked about. HR made up some crazy letter that didn't match. I would recommend no one from that university use HR, they will stab you in the back, FYI. You know who you are. I was so mad after I left, I called the president. He had the vice president call me back. She agreed that my bosses email sounded NOTHING like the letter of termination and was quite confused. I asked her if "when an employee who is a student leaves the university, is this how you treat all of them? Are you concerned about the relationships that remain with those university students afterward?" She agreed it was out of hand and put a note in my file.
I am still very upset at the way things played out. I held the university in such high regard and got let down, BAD. I guess I had kind of glorified them and didn't want to let go of that. I knew that things weren't working for a very long time, but I held on for a full five months. Hoping something would change.
The point of this blog, is I started turning into this miserable person to maintain something that I was not meant to be a part of. I held on to something that was turning me into a bad person. If we resist change, it's going to change us for the bad, not the good. Sometimes we have to let go of those "cherished beliefs" in order to start the life we are meant to live. I am sure that's a quote, but I don't know who from, so forgive me if I am not quoting it properly. The point is, fearing change and doing nothing about it can be potentially detrimental. It is critical you realize those signs and don't ignore them. No matter how close they are to our hearts, we need to move forward and accept the change that is meant to make us the people we are meant to be.
“If you don't create change, change will create you”
Unknown
Sunday, May 1, 2011
That Cocky Bitch...
Right? Is this not your first thought when you see a woman walk by with her head in the air talking wide strides with an air of confidence about her? Who does she think she is? She isn't ALL that! She has this flaw or that flaw about her. We have seen it. She is just a bitch. Spoken like a true jealous and insecure person. It's OK, we are ALL jealous and insecure of SOMEONE. I know MANY people who are more beautiful, strong and more intelligent than me, but I try not to let it get me down. It isn't the end of the world, after all. There will ALWAYS be someone more intelligent and beautiful than me. No doubt about it.
So, I am a decent looking, strong willed, outspoken, hold my head high kind of gal. It's funny, I know more people who don't like it than those who do. You can't imagine those who cackle behind my back and those who pretend to like me to my face. Even close friends do it. It is astounding how many people treat you badly if you have the slightest amount of confidence. And yes, passive aggressive jabs count as a form of abuse and jealousy. HELLO?
I have never thought I was THAT great. I was a spoiled brat and much of a bully as a younger girl. As a spoiled brat, I felt entitled to do what I wanted. Not that it's an excuse, but it is what it is. I find it amusing that I have come to say "you know what, I was a bully and I am not proud of it." Yet so many people continually like to tell me how horrible I was. Really, I have fessed up to it. I can't change it, nothing will be different but the present moment and the future. Who is the bully now?
Let me tell you a little bit about what I do know. An older family member of mine that everyone so worships (I can't figure out why, she is mean to everyone), has always hated me. Literally, since birth. When I was a few months old, she even sat on me in my car seat and tried to smother me. Though we all thought it was funny at the time, it was just the beginning of her true hate for me for being born. She couldn't stand the fact that someone else might have to share her limelight. It was almost as if I went upstairs and talked to God and said, "God, please be sure and make her get less attention than me. It would be fabulous to live under her torture for the rest of my life." I am not even sure she realizes she does it to this day, however, it has been damaging. Because of this treatment, I learned a specific technique with people. People see you as more human if they can see your flaws. Because guess what, even the most perfect woman in the world (Kate Middleton) has their flaws. We ALL do. Some are more visible than others. So, this "technique" I use is called "disarming." I go into a situation with people and try to make myself look like an idiot or show my imperfections by disarming people. This is not a difficult task for me. I lay out my cards and show people ME. I have a level of anxiety that is enough to make anyone crazy. Imagine what it does to me! I fear that I won't be accepted (wonder where that comes from?). I have gained a tremendous amount of weight since my car accident, in fact doubled my waist size and I have this in my heart "feeling," people think its crazy, but about 75% of the time it's true, that people REALLY don't like me. I can tell when people are thinking negatively about me. I just can. So, as I sit here with my fake smile, spilling my insecurities to all of you so that you don't think I am "that cocky bitch," I am suffering tremendously inside. It's funny, because no matter what, people still think I am a cocky bitch.
I am sure many of you will sit there rolling your eyes as you read this blog but I have one question to ask you. When you think someone is a cocky bitch or you think something negatively about someone like me specifically, dig deep inside your head and avoid using negative words and ask your self why you really feel that way. Be honest and see what you come up with. Are you feeling threatened by that person? Do they make you uncomfortable because they are more outgoing than you and have more "confidence?" I put that in quotes because none of us have TRUE confidence. I am faking it 90% of the time. There is no real reason for us to actually dislike someone based on their "confident" behavior. If I were a man, people would kiss the ground I walk on.
It's funny because the men who seem to be less threatened by my behavior, are the ones who seem the shyest. I have met some incredibly amazing men because they are not threatened by my "confidence." Then you have other men who pretend to be confident and they want to get as far away from you as possible (my last boss). Why do you think I thrive around nerds? They LOVE a strong woman! Is this a gaming thing, nerds? No offense meant, I love you all!
I don't know, I mean, we all have crap to put up with. We have people who are just crappy, angry, and bad all around us. It's just not fair. It makes us lock ourselves into a cave and never want to come out. But broken hearts are inevitable, people die and relationships end. These are three things I can guarantee. However, treating people with kindness and fairly is critical. Not only do I have to deal with the regular assholes walking on the street, but I have to deal with the ones who can't stand that I might have a few more assets than them? They are FAKE assets, folks. Help me out here! I would rather hand them off so those people would stop targeting me with their jealousy and frustration. I am not trying to sound like a conceited bitch, I swear, but you can't believe the number of people who are ALWAYS trying to take you down. The number is significantly higher than the ones who want to help you up. That is sad.
We all have to survive this world somehow. I have to hold my head up high to be ready for the next person to knock it down and they do, believe me. It's OK though, this isn't about ME. I guess I just want to be treated equally. Some might say you have a better chance and better opportunities. Yes, true. But for every chance and opportunity I get, there are four more people standing there to try and take it back. My last job is the PRIME example of that. What can I say? I guess maybe my biggest strength is that I get back up and never let anything defeat me.
So I leave you with this. I am going to disarm you now. I am a chubby, angry, anxiety and depression filled woman who has an amazing husband. I don't know how he tolerates me, but he does. In addition to that, I am very outspoken and have no problems sharing my emotions and feelings when someone hurts me. Which is often and I get upset because I have higher expectations of people. Apparently I am beautiful, cocky and confident with too much to say. But, I only think that I am all of these things because of the way everyone treats me. Maybe if everyone didn't try so hard to knock me down and let me stand up on my own, I wouldn't feel like I was a rock star! Thank you all, for helping me reach my stardom!
So, I am a decent looking, strong willed, outspoken, hold my head high kind of gal. It's funny, I know more people who don't like it than those who do. You can't imagine those who cackle behind my back and those who pretend to like me to my face. Even close friends do it. It is astounding how many people treat you badly if you have the slightest amount of confidence. And yes, passive aggressive jabs count as a form of abuse and jealousy. HELLO?
I have never thought I was THAT great. I was a spoiled brat and much of a bully as a younger girl. As a spoiled brat, I felt entitled to do what I wanted. Not that it's an excuse, but it is what it is. I find it amusing that I have come to say "you know what, I was a bully and I am not proud of it." Yet so many people continually like to tell me how horrible I was. Really, I have fessed up to it. I can't change it, nothing will be different but the present moment and the future. Who is the bully now?
Let me tell you a little bit about what I do know. An older family member of mine that everyone so worships (I can't figure out why, she is mean to everyone), has always hated me. Literally, since birth. When I was a few months old, she even sat on me in my car seat and tried to smother me. Though we all thought it was funny at the time, it was just the beginning of her true hate for me for being born. She couldn't stand the fact that someone else might have to share her limelight. It was almost as if I went upstairs and talked to God and said, "God, please be sure and make her get less attention than me. It would be fabulous to live under her torture for the rest of my life." I am not even sure she realizes she does it to this day, however, it has been damaging. Because of this treatment, I learned a specific technique with people. People see you as more human if they can see your flaws. Because guess what, even the most perfect woman in the world (Kate Middleton) has their flaws. We ALL do. Some are more visible than others. So, this "technique" I use is called "disarming." I go into a situation with people and try to make myself look like an idiot or show my imperfections by disarming people. This is not a difficult task for me. I lay out my cards and show people ME. I have a level of anxiety that is enough to make anyone crazy. Imagine what it does to me! I fear that I won't be accepted (wonder where that comes from?). I have gained a tremendous amount of weight since my car accident, in fact doubled my waist size and I have this in my heart "feeling," people think its crazy, but about 75% of the time it's true, that people REALLY don't like me. I can tell when people are thinking negatively about me. I just can. So, as I sit here with my fake smile, spilling my insecurities to all of you so that you don't think I am "that cocky bitch," I am suffering tremendously inside. It's funny, because no matter what, people still think I am a cocky bitch.
I am sure many of you will sit there rolling your eyes as you read this blog but I have one question to ask you. When you think someone is a cocky bitch or you think something negatively about someone like me specifically, dig deep inside your head and avoid using negative words and ask your self why you really feel that way. Be honest and see what you come up with. Are you feeling threatened by that person? Do they make you uncomfortable because they are more outgoing than you and have more "confidence?" I put that in quotes because none of us have TRUE confidence. I am faking it 90% of the time. There is no real reason for us to actually dislike someone based on their "confident" behavior. If I were a man, people would kiss the ground I walk on.
It's funny because the men who seem to be less threatened by my behavior, are the ones who seem the shyest. I have met some incredibly amazing men because they are not threatened by my "confidence." Then you have other men who pretend to be confident and they want to get as far away from you as possible (my last boss). Why do you think I thrive around nerds? They LOVE a strong woman! Is this a gaming thing, nerds? No offense meant, I love you all!
I don't know, I mean, we all have crap to put up with. We have people who are just crappy, angry, and bad all around us. It's just not fair. It makes us lock ourselves into a cave and never want to come out. But broken hearts are inevitable, people die and relationships end. These are three things I can guarantee. However, treating people with kindness and fairly is critical. Not only do I have to deal with the regular assholes walking on the street, but I have to deal with the ones who can't stand that I might have a few more assets than them? They are FAKE assets, folks. Help me out here! I would rather hand them off so those people would stop targeting me with their jealousy and frustration. I am not trying to sound like a conceited bitch, I swear, but you can't believe the number of people who are ALWAYS trying to take you down. The number is significantly higher than the ones who want to help you up. That is sad.
We all have to survive this world somehow. I have to hold my head up high to be ready for the next person to knock it down and they do, believe me. It's OK though, this isn't about ME. I guess I just want to be treated equally. Some might say you have a better chance and better opportunities. Yes, true. But for every chance and opportunity I get, there are four more people standing there to try and take it back. My last job is the PRIME example of that. What can I say? I guess maybe my biggest strength is that I get back up and never let anything defeat me.
So I leave you with this. I am going to disarm you now. I am a chubby, angry, anxiety and depression filled woman who has an amazing husband. I don't know how he tolerates me, but he does. In addition to that, I am very outspoken and have no problems sharing my emotions and feelings when someone hurts me. Which is often and I get upset because I have higher expectations of people. Apparently I am beautiful, cocky and confident with too much to say. But, I only think that I am all of these things because of the way everyone treats me. Maybe if everyone didn't try so hard to knock me down and let me stand up on my own, I wouldn't feel like I was a rock star! Thank you all, for helping me reach my stardom!
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